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May 08

How I Became a Cyborg

My Medical history in chronological order.

First Ten Years.

  • Born breech and 2 weeks late.
  • Gave myself a concussion in Kindergarten. So focused on drumming my little drum in a music parade that I knocked myself out on the door handle.
  • Gave myself a concussion while trying to climb a fence and falling head first on the sidewalk. I still have a scar. It lets me know how much my hairline has receded because as a child you could not see the scar. Now you can.
  • Gave myself a minor concussion when running around on the playground and banging heads with Jean Smith. Her concussion was worse. She recovered.

Second Ten Years.

  • Pneumonia.
  • Broke my pinky toe dancing the Hava Nagila.
  • Diagnosed with growing a tail. Daily use of Domeboro soaks for a month addressed that issue. Unfortunately, no visible tail. Also, learned not to giggle whenever the word “coccyx” is mentioned.
  • Displaced my left patella.

Third Ten Years.

  • Diagnosed with Histoplasmosis. Had surgery with a “hot laser” that ended up (knowingly) permanently damaging part of my retina. Part of this procedure involved 3 numbing shots through my lower eyelid to freeze the muscles in the eye.
  • 8 years after the displaced patella, major knee surgery.

Fourth Ten Years.

  • Diagnosed again with Histoplasmosis. This time, a “cold laser” treatment was used. Fixed the problem, no eye damage.
  • Plantar Fasciitis. Let the heel pain begin, generally well treated by custom orthotics. Pain essentially goes away for years.
  • Diagnosed yet again with histoplasmosis. This time, a treatment of Avastin shots was recommended. This involved having three shots directly into the eyeball. Results not as good as cold laser treatment. Never opting for this method again.
  • Catch a virus. Body decides to creates antibodies which attack my nervous system. This is called Guillain Barre Syndrome and I spend 3 months in and out of hospitals.
  • Plantar Fasciitis returns. I get new orthotics. New foot doctor decides to act more aggressively and gives me a steroid shot into the heel of my foot. Not entirely awesome.

Fifth Ten Years.

  • One knee replaced.
  • Science figures out a way to remove some of the arthritis building in my “good knee”.
  • Contacts are permanently installed in my eyes, giving me 20/15 vision in each eye

Sixth Ten Years.Omni Consumer Products

  • Have good knee replaced with modern robotic knee which will needs a battery replacement every 15 years.
  • Good knee feels so great, replace my right knee with the same technology as my left knee.
  • Have metal alloy grafted onto my feet, thus solving the issue with my flat feet and collapsed arches.

Seventh Ten Years.

  • My hips start acting up so have them both replaced with neuro-cybernetic hip.
  • Knees get upgraded to support Medical PAN (Personal Area Network). This allows the knees and hips to communicate with each other wirelessly thus optimizing their interaction and making my lower body feel and act 20 years younger

Eighth Ten Years.

  • Have microchip implanted in brain in order to negate Alzheimers disease and the potential for a stroke.
  • Have micro-chip controlled stent installed which helps extend the life of my heart by an estimated 50 years.
  • Have batteries replaced in knees and hips. Install new control module in each.
  • Artificial cornea installed behind right eye to return vision lost in my late twenties. Also have new nano-tech contacts installed in my eyes which assures at least 20/20 vision the rest of my life.
  • Nano tech “blood cells” injected into my body in order to actively clean my blood due to slowly failing kidney and liver.

Ninth Ten years.Don't Do This.

  • Die in a horrible accident when I accidentally step on an exposed power cable which short circuits my knees, hips, brain chip, heart stent, metallurgical foot structure, eye nano-tech, and blood nano-tech.

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